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Time:About A.D. 120. Place:Rome. Also known as:Publius Aelius Hadrianus. 
Interview:THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK! SMARM: Larry Smarm reporting from Ancient Rome, Or as we know it right now, Rome. Man, this new toga itches: I think I put too much urine in it when I cleaned it. Anyway, I'm here today to meet Rome's top dog. The big cheese. Emperor Hadrian. HADRIAN: Did you just call me a cheesy dog? I should have you thrown into the gladiator pit. Guards! SMARM: No, sir, your cheesiness. I mean, your Emperorness, it was a... HADRIAN: Enough. Let's get on with the interview. I don't have all day. The Empire doesn't run itself. SMARM: Right. You travel more than any other Emperor? Why? HADRIAN: We have a big empire. A little too big, I can see that. It stretches from Spain to Turkey, from Britain to Libya. Each of these countries has its own problems... SMARM: ...besides the fact that it got taken over by the Romans, you mean? HADRIAN: Guards! Take this insolent brute to the gladiator pit. SMARM: Forgive me, your majesty. Continue. HADRIAN: They have problems. For example, I built a wall between what you now call England and what you now call Scotland. SMARM: To stop men in skirts and no underwear with bagpipes and strange boiled meat getting across the border? HADRIAN: I'd say it's to separate Romans from Barbarians, but yes. So I built a long wall. SMARM: You're quite the builder, aren't you, sir? The Pantheon in Rome you commissioned has the biggest dome ever built. Why? HADRIAN: It's a temple to the gods. The hole in the top lets the stars, the sun, and the heavens revolve above my throne. It's only right they should revolve around me. I am a near-God myself. SMARM: A near-God? Really, I thought a near-God would be taller. HADRIAN: Guards! This interview, and possibly you, Mr.Smarm, are terminated. |
